What would I do without Anne!

Once again Anne has given me new insight into the way our psychiatric brain works. She never stops to amaze me how she understands so much about the way our brains processes information. This morning after all the "have to" chores were finished my brother called me to check on Doug (all of my siblings have been so supportive) and I told him that I was going straight to the store to buy CD's for our road trip to try to help with all the anger and rage that I am feeling. After talking to me for a few minutes, he started to laugh and said, "Melody, don't stop for gas, water, or food, go straight to the store and get the tapes. I found some very good ones that I can't wait to enjoy on our road trip.

Last night as Doug said our nightly prayers (which lasted about 45 minutes, I told him I would need a pillow for my knees the next time) I realized that I am in a very bad place. As he spoke the words to our Heavenly Father my mind kept wandering and wondering if I could ever desire the things he was praying for. We talked about it for a long time afterward and I told him that I would have to rely on his faith, because even though I have tremendous gratitude for what He did for us, I am sooooo angry.

Well, as my day progressed I found myself getting a pedicure, manicure, and the scariest thing of all, bought myself a big beautiful expensive "Doug is Alive" ring. Now when Anne calls, all of this makes perfect sense to her. I am now taking the steps of living again....this is what I did last time, she says, this is what we all do after facing a terrible crisis. We start to see that we are still here and alive and now we do the things that might bring us back some form of normalcy and find some way to feel joy again. The last time I faced the tremendous loss of my daughter I did the same things, then I marked it with a piece of jewelry that I look back on and in a way "put the problem in the box". This time every time I look down at my ring it is a mental validation that I still have Doug. Now here is the advice that I really must write down because I must remember her words. She is so smart and I know that she is so inspired. After hearing about the anger that I am trying to rid myself of, she called me back and said, "Melody it is great that you are buying CD's and going to your therapist, but she said you have to give yourself some slack. You are dealing with a huge sense of loss." Now that is what surprised me because I didn't lose, I won, right? but she explained that even though Doug lived, I had all the feelings and emotions of Doug dieing, and now I have to face Doug's mortality and the reality that someday it will really happen. She said I could talk about all the scary things that happened in Seattle, and I could talk about how the doctor almost killed Doug, how my feelings were hurt in Idaho, but she said the minute you mentioned the night in the emergency room, you can't control your tears and you sob uncontrollably. She said that is where the pain is, and it will take a long, long time to get over the terror of that night. She said let's talk about all the stages of grief that you will go through: (I have pasted a great passage because it is all the things she told me)

Grief is a somewhat complicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet, grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. Whether it is a loss through death, divorce or some other loss, the stages of grieving are the same.
There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.
The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familiar places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to facilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.

So after Anne tells me all this, she explains to me, don't be afraid to be angry, it is a stage that you are going to go through over and over, she said if you don't go through all the stages, you will suppress it and never really deal with it. Then she told me something else that I didn't understand: She said every time someone goes through this kind of loss, all the other losses that you have experienced in your life surface. She said this happens to everyone. Which kind of stinks because I thought I had dealt with those losses. But she said "NO" every time it opens up all the old pain, so even though it isn't the main cause of the loss, you feel in again. She said it is like waves gong out to the ocean, the big wave just hit you, and as the other waves move back (past losses) they get smaller going out to sea, but they are still there, it's like physics: I'll paste this one too, because I can't articulate things the way she can!

In physics, motion means a continuous change in the location of a body. Change in motion is the result of applied force. Everything in the universe is moving. As there is no absolute reference system, absolute motion cannot be determined and only motion relative to a point of reference can be determined; this is emphasised by the term relative motion.

So...again this kind of stinks because all the crap that I thought had been long forgotten is still there, and apparently will stay there. The good news is that the waves are getting smaller as I look out to sea, and maybe there are a lot of wave that are so small that I can't even see them anymore.

I can't wait until this is sense of loss is one of those small waves that when I look out to sea, I can barely see it. I know that God gives us these trials to strengthen us. I just wish they didn't have to be so painful. The very good thing about this is to watch Doug's strength in this personal testimony grow. It gives me a chance to rely on his strength in the gospel, and his near death experience has brought to his mind the importance of preparing himself for what, as Anne said, is the inevitable, our own mortality and our individual relationship with our maker, and what we need to do to strengthen that..... and as my precious Bishop Erekson always tells me, "Put it in God's hands Mel".

Well this blog is for me....I need to read it every day, especially because I need to understand that I WILL go through all the stages of grief until that time when I am in the last stage....ACCEPTANCE!

I love you Anne, Dr. Fairbanks is always grateful for your insightfulness, it saves him a lot of time. Oh one more word about the "real Grandmother's, "GROW UP!"