Latest Score: Hornets vs Melody 10-1

Never underestimate the power of the hornet! I am now on the 10th day from the hornet attack and I am starting to wonder when my immune system will start working for me instead of against me. Doug has kept me in a steam tent for the last 24 hours and I think my lungs are starting to clear out. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts. I had such a wonderful 5 days despite the pneumonia. It is so uncanny how much Kristin and Melissa look, act, giggle and their mannerisms are. Doug said every time she went up and down the hall he did a double take. It is a miracle that we even let Kristin go home. (I think Bobby had some nervous moments in that concern....not really) I am excited to post all the videos and photos that Kristin took while she was here. The funniest one of all is the one that Kristin took from the top of the zip line at Park City. Somehow she managed to film the entire ride down, including some of my ride...it is so funny because we are screaming all the way down and when she realizes that she is going to stop while still going quite fast she is really shocked. It was also so much fun to play night games with all the little grandchildren. We will have to keep our "Family Night's" going, because I think they will all bond and become very close. I loved Sarrandon's card, she wrote a thank you card, then she drew a picture of all the aspects of the back yard and wrote..."What am I going to do there?" Her wit is already showing. I also received a special hug from Joey, which I will never forget...some memories never fade. Your families are all delightful and I love the time we spend together....photos to come later...all my love!

O.K. Life is still sweet. . .

Sorry no photos. I have to say that I had a wonderful day with Kristin today. It is amazing to me because I can see our genes run through our family. Kristin reminds me so much of Melissa it is amazing, her sense of humor, the inflection in her laughter, even her mannerisms. It's fun because when I am with Peggy I get to see my Mother. I was speaking to Robyn the other day for about 4 hours and finally she said, talking to you is just like talking to my Mother, even the way you laugh! When I speak to Heather and Joey it is like a wonderful visit with my dear sister Jeri, and my precious brother Joe....I love it! Family is everything!

Oh also, I posted the "life is sweet" with a warning....Friday I was moving wood from the back wood pile to the side of the house and was attacked by about 50 hornets. If I hadn't had my ipod on, I might have heard them swarming around my head but I thought it was just a branch hanging down tickling my head. Then I held about three logs up to my body and felt a sharp prick and thought a pine needle had pierced through my skin, then I realized there were hornets all around my body, under my shirt, and up my jeans, and by the time I was done striping off all my clothes I had over 10 huge stings and 30 nice attempts to pierce through my clothes.... I have known for a long time that I am allergic to hornets...so I spent the weekend soaking in a soda tub, and sleeping off the benadryl. Anne and I laughed about it later, and she said, "I warned you about saying that out loud!" We also agreed late last night, we still think it is sweet, it just has a few stings mingled in.

Life is Sweet

A few years ago my friend Anne was walking down the hallway of the school where she is an administrator. She drew in a deep breath and sighed "life is sweet". She called me bursting with love for life, and as usual I asked if I could borrow her rose colored glasses. I have been asking to borrow these glasses for years, she always says I am welcome to them, I think somehow it is like the oil and the bridegroom story, she always gives me the tools to make my own pair of glasses but she can't give me hers. Anyway shortly after her exclamation of life is sweet, life went terribly wrong for her. In a matter of days she was dealing with a embryo granddaughter with a heart defect, cancer, and many other very serious issues in her immediate family. She has never made that exclamation since, she feels it on almost a regular basis, but she never says it out loud. We laugh about it all the time, and there are many days, I must admit that I say it out loud, and here I am publishing it, wise or unwise, only time will tell. But as I come to the autumn of this year I look back at some of the most scariest things that I have dealt with and I realize that the message is still the same.

In the middle of all the crisis I had an abscessed tooth, I kept putting it off using antibiotics and pain pills to get through until I had time to go to the dentist, finally when there was a small window of time I could use to get to the dentist I went. As I sat there with my mouth full of cotton Dr. Hincks assistant kept asking him questions about the gospel. It was obvious that he had dealt with her and her questions before because instead of getting into a confrontation with her he would just say, "that's a good question!", I knew that Dave knew the answers because we have talked for over 20 years about deep gospel issues, he had been a bishop, so why didn't he just answer the question? Finally she asked, "Does God feel sorrow?" Dave said, that's a good question and walked away, now even though my mouth was packed with cotton I still had to let her know that yes indeed God does feel sorrow, obviously. So she asked me, "how do you know? And if that is true than I am not interested in going to Heaven!" I muttered with cotton flying out of my mouth that I had heard all morning how much she adored her little girl, she is her world and if anything ever happened to her little girl it would kill her, so I said look at your feelings about your little girl, God lost one third of his children, his only begotten Son he sent down as a sacrifice to be mocked, ridiculed, tortured, pay for all the pain and sins of the world, does God feel sorrow? of course he does, look at the wickedness of this world, and this is the two thirds of his children that made it down here. But we also know he has a fullness of joy. After they repacked my mouth with cotton, I tuned their conversation out and reflected on my own life. I looked at all of the challenges I had when I left that chair. I thought to myself, God has so many challenges and no doubt even more than I can comprehend, he must have tools....I know he loves me so he has shared these tools with me....I am going to study these tools and apply them in my life. Many of you already know this story because you have shared the tools you use, and I am very grateful. If anyone remembers my blog where I talked to my brother Bobby and told him I was going straight to the book store to buy inspirational CD's this is while my mouth was still numb from the Novocaine, (Dave probably gave me a little extra as punishment because he was now going to have to listen to his assistant go on all day with the ammo I gave her).

Some of my very favorite lessons were from Sheri Dew, especially "The Savior Heals Without a Scar" there are many others that were wonderful. Doug actually sited this book to the young men on Sunday, and used his own experience when we were in the hospital at 2 am and I requested a priesthood blessing for Doug before he left for exploratory surgery. The moral to this story is that the men who gave Doug the powerful blessing were prepared and in tune with the spirit. We never know when we will have an emergency situation when we need the power of prayer, and are we prepared? Well the point to this blog is that during one of the most difficult years of my life, I have tried to use all the tools that God has provided and it has made it possible to not only endure the trials but yes, even to say "Life is Sweet"!

Doug will be helping to clean up the damage

I am grateful to say that James and Tauna were spared from the hurricane, but Texas has been devastated. Doug will be heading down there with his crew to help restore the power. It is hard to conceive so much damage and destruction, I feel so sorry for those people who have lost everything! It makes we wonder how long it will take to get their entire power grid back up, especially with all the water; power and water don't mix. I am sure James and Doug will be working together down there. I think it is ironic that Doug has to clean up after Ike.

Have I gushed about my cute husband lately?

I can't help it, I am once again gushing. I know I don't need to tell you how cute he is, but here I go again. Corey wondered if he could go to Hawaii this fall, so Doug said sure, if I can come too! Doug is letting Corey have the condo and has booked us a suite at the Wikeloa Hilton Resort. He has picked out a room right over the Dolphin Quest, and the Lani looks right over the ocean. He has a convertible mustang so our hair can blow in the wind, and purchased a non-stop flight to Kona (to spare my back). He is packing our Temple clothing so we can spend time in "Our Temple". Now just in case you think I am bragging....beware, I am blogging about this because as all of you know, lately I have been a little bit blue (to say the least) and because of this I really wanted to cancel the trip. He again is being my "knight in shinning armor" lifting my spirits. I know I don't tell him enough how much I love him and appreciate all that he does for me, how would I ever get through this life without my man.
P.S Last time we were there Wayne Newton and his family were staying in the tower, Doug kept teasing them saying he was a "Wayniac".
And we had dinner next to Woody Allen and his family.

Kristin is Coming

I am organizing another family get together. I am excited, Kristin is flying in from Phoenix just to see us, isn't that wonderful! She said that Friday the 26th of September is the best time for her and Rob to meet with everyone. Since the pool will be closed I wondered if anyone has any other ideas. We can have the party at my house, back yard, park ect. So pencil in the date, and comment on your ideas O.K.?
Kristin will be flying in on the 23rd and staying until Saturday morning, then her and Rob will be spending a day in Delta, then driving back to Phoenix to see their new nephew.

Family Night

Let's have a family night this coming Monday, August 25th, at 6:00 p.m. Bring your own meat and a dish to share. Bring swimming suits and a blanket and any other swim gear you want....I am excited...if some of your siblings don't blog, make sure you tell them O.K.?

Family Reunion

Okay, now we have the forum to get the word out, now we need to plan it. I have spoken to so many of you lately, and what I keep hearing is every one feels disconnected to the family. We haven't had a pool party this year, and the summer is almost over. Everyone leave a date on the comment blog and let's get together...blogging is great, phone calls are cool, but it's about time we get some face time!

A Visit to the store site

The Finished Project

I wanted to post the finished project. Conner did such a great job. He said we are all getting a quilt for Christmas, he even figured out an easier way to pull out the needle!

I'm Bragging About My Grandkids Again

I can't help myself, I have to!!

I had Conner and Colby on Monday and Conner was so excited because his Grandmother was going to give him her sewing machine. We had a sewing lesson a few months ago, and the "Bug" has caught the bug! Yesterday he called me and asked if he could have another lesson, so today we spent a few hours together, and he made a quilt. It was wonderful to chit chat while we sat and tied it. When he was leaving he was snuggling his quilt up to his face and said with a long sigh, "Well....all I have to do now is get my own sewing machine". Yes, honey, that's all you have to do...get a sewing machine and your life will be complete.

Now I have to blog about my crack up J.R. When James and I were in Las Vegas together, J.R. called to talk to his dad. He could hear my voice in the back ground and said, "Gram Gram???" I said Hi J.R., he said, "Gram Gram! What are you doing with my Dad!" A few days later he called his Dad, when he was just about finished with the conversation he said, "Dad, Quick Question" James and I belly laughed because if you have been around James very often, you know that he always says that. Then J.R. said, "Well...you are not going to like what I have to tell you!"

Last week in Louisiana Tauna drove past a cemetery, J.R. said "Mom, is Gram Gram in there?" Tauna said, "J.R., No! Gram Gram in not in there" J.R. replied, "I think she is, let's go see her!" Tauna had to explain that I was still alive in Utah.

Validation....Yes!!

Life is Busy

The day I left for Las Vegas the Doctor diagnosed Hashimoto's disease. It is heriditiary so any one who is in my delightful gene pool feeling slugglish look in it. I think Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory will have it's grand opening on November 22, so put it on your calendar. I insisted it be open before Christmas, the Architect and Developer agree it's possible to open it in November. It will be difficult to juggle preschool with chocolate, but maybe it works. The entire family will be traveling to Las Vegas in two weeks to celebrate Crystals birthday and engagement. My girl friends are planning a girls trip to New York to see Marilyn in Gypsy. We will need to move the date up, because Marilyn said that Gypsy will close in March :( Girls, we can't wait until April....

Uncle Dee's funeral

James, Peggy, Mike, and I just arrived back in Utah. We attended Uncle Dee's funeral. It is an honor to call him my uncle. James was part of the honor guard, and presented De Anna with the flag. She said she O.K. until that moment. Tomorrow he will have a service in Utah with full military honors and a fly over. "Don't worry Uncle Dee, I will bring the camera". I want to type part of his obituary:

FLAMM D. HARPER

88, a retired u.s. Air Force lieutenant colonel, who flew as a fighter pilot in Europe during World War II and in Korea during the Korean War. He was assigned to the 479th fighter group where he participated as a pilot in the Normandy invasion, July 15, 1944. He went down in German occupied France where he spent 21 days behind enemy lines fighting with the British Special Air Service and French resistance. After World War II, Harper was one of 80,000 applicants to receive one of the 1,400 available commissions as a commissioned officer in the Air Force where he began piloting the F-86 Saber Fighter jet. In Korea, he was again shot down behind enemy lines making him one of three pilots to have escaped and evaded capture in two separate wars. He directed one of the first night fighter fighter-bomber raids in Air Force history which many believe to have contributed to the end of the Korean War. During his military career, he earned multiple decorations including two Distinguished Flying Crosses and two Purple Hearts as well as an honorary medal for his fighting with the French resistance during WWII. A quote was found on his computer which states: "The Honor of Men is temporary; The Glory of God is eternal. I wish I had served my Lord as faithfully as I have served my country". Flamm D. Harper

Well said, Uncle Dee, until we meet again.

http://www.18thfwa.org/whosWho/DeeHarper/deeHarper.html

Help! the ghost of Phantom is here!

Does someone know how to get rid of the floating Madam, I can't even get to my dashboard to fix the typos......Marilyn, you know her better than I do, help me get rid of her!

Newspaper Article

Somehow it didn't copy correctly Madam Giry is not supposed to be sitting on top of the blogg, but that sounds like Madam Giry....I never mess with her, mainly because her and the phantom are pretty tight, if you know what I mean.

The News Paper Article

border="0" />

Publication:Standard Examiner;
Date:Aug 3, 2008;
Section:Life;
Page Number:1D
Life’s ambition
Former Roy High School student Marilyn Caskey lands on Broadway in ‘Gypsy’
By NANCY VAN VALKENBURG Standard-Examiner staff nvan@standard.net Broadway veteran Marilyn Caskey found herself getting solemn recently, after being asked to write down her most magical memory. It came in about 1970, in Hooper, Caskey recalled. She was a Roy High School student marching as a Royalaire with the school’s marching band during an openair rehearsal. The vibrant music cut through the silent landscape. “I lingered in the open field as they marched away,” Caskey read, from her notes. “The whole universe was fi lled with their brassy musical joy. The sky was a canopy of fl uffy clouds that were pink from the sunrise. The Rockies were pink with the reflection. I felt pure joy and exhilaration at the beauty.” Caskey paused from her reading. “Wait a minute. Why was I standing alone in the fi eld?” she asked, suddenly confused. “The drill team was still marching with the band. I was marching to the tune of the same drummer, but I was going in a different direction !” She laughed out loud. Yep, that about sums it up for Caskey, who was active, involved, and seemed to be in step with her friends at Roy High, but who ended up in a very different place from her classmates. She took her talents a whole other direction, but still counts as close friends many Utah friends who shared her teen years in Weber County. “I grew up in Utah, and its beauty is part of my soul,” said Caskey, in a phone interview before her evening call for “Gypsy” in New York City. The show may star 2008 Tony Award winner Patti LuPone, but Caskey has been singled out for her show-stopping presence. The musical, of course, is based on the vaudeville childhood of Gypsy Rose Lee, who became a burlesque stripper known for her wit, elegance and restraint. Caskey portrays a burned-out stripper named Electra, known for her lone gimmick: bumping and grinding minimally while wearing a fl ashing electrifi ed bra-and-panty outfi t. New York Post columnist Liz Smith had this to say: “And now I want to add something about the single most hilarious performance seen all season. That is Marilyn Caskey as the stripper Electra, seen only in the fi nal moments of the show. She is there every performance, stealing the entire scene.... “Marilyn moves about the stage gingerly, as if she has already received too many accidental jolts of electricity in her time. She is so obviously stoned out of her mind that when I saw the actual actress offstage after the opening night, I was shocked to realize that she was perfectly sober. It’s a sheer performance.” Smith bemoaned the fact that the role had not won its actress offi cial accolades. “Ms. Caskey’s name came up in many awards groups, but she did not snag a nomination. The role is just not big enough, not long enough. As she tries to ‘electrify’ herself, stumbling around, Ms. Caskey gives the neat and succinct performance of a lifetime.” Electra is the polar opposite of Caskey’s last Broadway character, ballet mistress Madame Giry in “Phantom of the Opera.” “Madame Giry is a strict ballet mistress, imposing and stern, complicated,” said Caskey. “The other extreme is Electra. She speaks for herself. I love that I got two so different roles.” Early years Caskey grew up in Roy, the daughter of a Hill Air Force Base lieutenant colonel and a supportive, funloving mother who worked on base but had plenty of time for her son and daughter. Caskey remains close to a neighbor she grew up with, Melody Code Vandenberg. “We have videotape of her dancing around and singing, like all kids do,” said Vandenberg, of Layton. “She really threw herself into it. She had charisma. We always used to dress up and run up and down the street. We had a neighbor with a porch that had a few steps on it, and that was our stage.” Caskey can recall the instant she found her calling. “When the bug hit me to do theater, I was just a child,” she said. “I was looking at a hatbox my mother had, decorated like a travel box, with stickers that said ‘London,’ ‘Paris,’ ‘New York,’ ‘Broadway.’ I asked my mother where Broadway was, and she told me that was where people did plays. I think a sort of light went off in my head that Broadway was where I was going to be. I found it at that moment. It was very clear, and it was a bit spiritual. I think I was 8.” Vandenberg remembers talking about that early dream. “She told me from the time she was little that she was going to be an actress. I told her I wanted to put my family first. She said you had to put acting first.” Vandenberg has flown out to see Caskey on Broadway about six times now, and also caught her friend’s vocal act in New York City’s Rainbow Room. “I always thought she would stick with it, and she did,” Vandenberg said. “She had that kind of personality. She was determined. I got my family, and I have a preschool. I would still choose my path, and I don’t think Marilyn would change who she is.” Caskey acted in plays through grade school and on, Vandenberg said. In her junior year, Caskey and another girl alternated in the “Camelot” role of Guinevere. Michele Bingham, a Roy High grad who lives in Ogden, remembers Caskey as a talented teen. “She was darling and wonderful,” Bingham said. “She got the lead in all the plays, and she sang in the chamber choir, which was our top vocal group. Everybody loved her. She used to drive this old Oldsmobile with fins, a big tank of a car we all called the Batmobile.” A custom career Caskey graduated in 1971 and headed to the University of Utah, where she earned a degree in theater arts. Next, she sought out regional theater work, to add to her experience and range. “I was doing Shakespeare and Chekov,” she said. “I became a member of the Arena Stage, in Washington, D.C., and am proud I was part of that. It was a flagship for American regional theater.” Caskey worked with actors, directors and choreographers who have gone on to celebrated careers, she said. She still works with her old friends from time to time, but now it’s on Broadway. Caskey played a variety of roles, but became concerned when she wasn’t cast as tragic dramatic leads. “Actors think the pinnacle is huge, dramatic, tragic roles,” Caskey said. “A director who didn’t cast me helped me see that I actually had more fun singing and doing comedy. It’s a happier career for me, and I am more satisfied doing it.” Caskey has spent decades working in regional theater, and has taken shows on tour. She gained experiences and friendships she still cherishes, and she was doing work she loved. Still, she became a little weary of life on the road. “I made the decision at one point that I wanted to stay put. I wanted to work on Broadway,” Caskey said. “I decided I would give up theater if I did not get into ‘Phantom of the Opera.’ I did positive visualizations of getting on Broadway, and I took a job as a paralegal so I didn’t have to travel. I worked the graveyard shift.” On Broadway Caskey was cast in 1988 as Carlotta Guidicelli, a “Phantom” character with a major singing role, who also provides some comic relief. Caskey played the role for four years, then left for five years, returning to play Madame Giry from 2001 until earlier this year, when she was cast in “Gypsy.” “Visualization does work,” Caskey said. “I am really lucky to experience the success I have. I feel very blessed, yet I want more. I do not want to stop here. I still yearn for more.” Caskey said she loves the friendships that come with being a part of the Broadway community. She loves being an artist, and working with other top-caliber artists who have given their lives to the theatrical arts. “There’s a huge sense of pride in being able to be a disciplined and skilled performer,” she said. “Although we love the audience recognition and the success of a show, I aspire most to feel the respect of my peers and colleagues. It’s fun being around other actors, getting to know each other. You’ve got to be mighty disciplined, physically and mentally, to do a show eight times a week. There are no slouches here.” From time to time, Caskey thinks about sacrifices she made for her career, and about roads not taken, she said. Still, there’s not much she would change, she said. And she still feels the same about acting as she did as a teenager in Roy. “To me, it feels extremely spiritual, the pursuit of acting, or singing with an orchestra, or even practicing by myself,” she said. “It’s exhilarating. I like the communication with the audience. When you’re really on the mark, the experience feels so exhilarating and spiritual, I love it. I just love it.”
Joan Marcus photo

Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory

Well you can always tell when I am getting bored, I start a new business. It will be interesting to see if this one materializes. I was thinking of my favorite store, and thinking how sad it is that the closest one is in Salt Lake. So I went down to "The Junction" in Ogden and found my favorite location, right across from the Larry H. Miller Mega Plex. When I stand on the pad I can see the Ogden Temple, Iggys, Rodizio Grill, I Fly and many more. So far I love the location, RMCF tried to talk me into putting it in the Layton Hills Mall (they already have that site approved) but I really wanted it at The Junction. After reviewing the Boyers project they strongly agree that it is time that we open a RMCF north of the Gateway. They are very excited about the location, approved me, and they sent the papers FED EX, so hopefully I will be locking in the location of my dreams this week.

I have also been very involved in Trina's wedding, she asked me to come to her bridals with her. If you haven't received your invitation yet, watch for it in the mail, she is a beautiful bride and I am honored to be this involved. Pops was called to the Young Men's Presidency, funny enough on the day of his "near death experience". He thanked the Bishop, he contributes that to one of the reasons he was able to stay with us. I am so grateful for him, as you can tell by the name of my blog. He took me and my children under his wing at a time when I was loosing my Mother, the sole provider of my children, and had an ex husband who not only didn't support us financially or emotionally, but tried to shut down my business every way he could. It never fails to shock me when I think of the Hell that man put us through, we would have been homeless, without a penny for food, if he had been successful in all his diabolical schemes. I thank God every day for a man that would work night and day, through the worst imaginable weather, under the worst conditions, not only to give us food and shelter, but to spoil us rotten. I am grateful to the children who came running to his bed side in his darkest hour. J.R. especially was concerned over "Pop Pop". He called every day to check on him. Doug is still in a lot of pain, but has started back to work. He comes home every night holding on to his side. I hope and pray that he will be able to retire in two years...even if it means I make caramel apples for the rest of my life.

Marilyn, my claim to fame

I was contacted by the newspaper. They are doing a story on Marilyn, and Marilyn told her that they had to include a section about me. She claims that her desire to become an actress was born with me. Marilyn is now starring in Gypsy, her character is hilarious. She will go back to Phantom in about a year. I will post the article when it is posted. Here is the photo that will appear in the paper. Marilyn likes it the best because of the way she is holding my hand. She has always been quite protective of me.

My Birthday

Thanks to every one for their dear birthday wishes. It was so sweet to hear the grandkids singing to me. When Tauna told J.R. it was my birthday he said, "You've got to be kidding me" it made Tauna and James laugh so hard, J.R. said, "Hey Dad, it's your Mom's birthday!" He said, "You've got to be kidding me". Poppie and I had a great day together, I don't know what I will do when he has to go back to work in August.

What would I do without Anne!

Once again Anne has given me new insight into the way our psychiatric brain works. She never stops to amaze me how she understands so much about the way our brains processes information. This morning after all the "have to" chores were finished my brother called me to check on Doug (all of my siblings have been so supportive) and I told him that I was going straight to the store to buy CD's for our road trip to try to help with all the anger and rage that I am feeling. After talking to me for a few minutes, he started to laugh and said, "Melody, don't stop for gas, water, or food, go straight to the store and get the tapes. I found some very good ones that I can't wait to enjoy on our road trip.

Last night as Doug said our nightly prayers (which lasted about 45 minutes, I told him I would need a pillow for my knees the next time) I realized that I am in a very bad place. As he spoke the words to our Heavenly Father my mind kept wandering and wondering if I could ever desire the things he was praying for. We talked about it for a long time afterward and I told him that I would have to rely on his faith, because even though I have tremendous gratitude for what He did for us, I am sooooo angry.

Well, as my day progressed I found myself getting a pedicure, manicure, and the scariest thing of all, bought myself a big beautiful expensive "Doug is Alive" ring. Now when Anne calls, all of this makes perfect sense to her. I am now taking the steps of living again....this is what I did last time, she says, this is what we all do after facing a terrible crisis. We start to see that we are still here and alive and now we do the things that might bring us back some form of normalcy and find some way to feel joy again. The last time I faced the tremendous loss of my daughter I did the same things, then I marked it with a piece of jewelry that I look back on and in a way "put the problem in the box". This time every time I look down at my ring it is a mental validation that I still have Doug. Now here is the advice that I really must write down because I must remember her words. She is so smart and I know that she is so inspired. After hearing about the anger that I am trying to rid myself of, she called me back and said, "Melody it is great that you are buying CD's and going to your therapist, but she said you have to give yourself some slack. You are dealing with a huge sense of loss." Now that is what surprised me because I didn't lose, I won, right? but she explained that even though Doug lived, I had all the feelings and emotions of Doug dieing, and now I have to face Doug's mortality and the reality that someday it will really happen. She said I could talk about all the scary things that happened in Seattle, and I could talk about how the doctor almost killed Doug, how my feelings were hurt in Idaho, but she said the minute you mentioned the night in the emergency room, you can't control your tears and you sob uncontrollably. She said that is where the pain is, and it will take a long, long time to get over the terror of that night. She said let's talk about all the stages of grief that you will go through: (I have pasted a great passage because it is all the things she told me)

Grief is a somewhat complicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet, grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. Whether it is a loss through death, divorce or some other loss, the stages of grieving are the same.
There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.
The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familiar places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to facilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.

So after Anne tells me all this, she explains to me, don't be afraid to be angry, it is a stage that you are going to go through over and over, she said if you don't go through all the stages, you will suppress it and never really deal with it. Then she told me something else that I didn't understand: She said every time someone goes through this kind of loss, all the other losses that you have experienced in your life surface. She said this happens to everyone. Which kind of stinks because I thought I had dealt with those losses. But she said "NO" every time it opens up all the old pain, so even though it isn't the main cause of the loss, you feel in again. She said it is like waves gong out to the ocean, the big wave just hit you, and as the other waves move back (past losses) they get smaller going out to sea, but they are still there, it's like physics: I'll paste this one too, because I can't articulate things the way she can!

In physics, motion means a continuous change in the location of a body. Change in motion is the result of applied force. Everything in the universe is moving. As there is no absolute reference system, absolute motion cannot be determined and only motion relative to a point of reference can be determined; this is emphasised by the term relative motion.

So...again this kind of stinks because all the crap that I thought had been long forgotten is still there, and apparently will stay there. The good news is that the waves are getting smaller as I look out to sea, and maybe there are a lot of wave that are so small that I can't even see them anymore.

I can't wait until this is sense of loss is one of those small waves that when I look out to sea, I can barely see it. I know that God gives us these trials to strengthen us. I just wish they didn't have to be so painful. The very good thing about this is to watch Doug's strength in this personal testimony grow. It gives me a chance to rely on his strength in the gospel, and his near death experience has brought to his mind the importance of preparing himself for what, as Anne said, is the inevitable, our own mortality and our individual relationship with our maker, and what we need to do to strengthen that..... and as my precious Bishop Erekson always tells me, "Put it in God's hands Mel".

Well this blog is for me....I need to read it every day, especially because I need to understand that I WILL go through all the stages of grief until that time when I am in the last stage....ACCEPTANCE!

I love you Anne, Dr. Fairbanks is always grateful for your insightfulness, it saves him a lot of time. Oh one more word about the "real Grandmother's, "GROW UP!"

Brinley's Dance

"These are a few of my favorite things"

Callie Jo and J.R. discover snow

Who needs a sled when you can use your shorts!

Callie Jo is not quite as brave. . .

J.R. discovers a snow cave.